Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
More on Working Things Out
When I was in high school I knew who I was, and that was a huge edge over just about everyone else I knew. I was really comfortable in my skin, to the point where I never worried about how people perceived me. I was who I was and that was enough.
Somewhere I lost that edge. People figured out who they are and I stopped being special for having it together ahead of the crowd. I also invested my identity in fencing. Since setting fencing aside, I've been trying to decouple who I am from what I [did] do.
To me, my life is no more important that the next person's life. My time is just as important as the next. My happiness is just as necessary to me as yours is to you. The way I view the world it is all very flat, very equal. With that kind of view, it is hard for me to feel "this is important, drop what you're doing and listen to me." Huh. That's exactly the kind of thing that is really hard for me to do.
Somewhere I lost that edge. People figured out who they are and I stopped being special for having it together ahead of the crowd. I also invested my identity in fencing. Since setting fencing aside, I've been trying to decouple who I am from what I [did] do.
To me, my life is no more important that the next person's life. My time is just as important as the next. My happiness is just as necessary to me as yours is to you. The way I view the world it is all very flat, very equal. With that kind of view, it is hard for me to feel "this is important, drop what you're doing and listen to me." Huh. That's exactly the kind of thing that is really hard for me to do.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Working Things Out
I'll be 29 this month. I don't so much worry about being old as I do being... well, single. I feel like my two years here in San Francisco has been a huge sink hole as far as dating goes. In the mean time I have mastered the art of convincing women that they are not romantically interested in me, but instead want to be my friend. Don't get me wrong, friends are great.
The biggest thing I can point a finger at is my own confidence. As I've discussed before, I'm pretty shameless, but it isn't the same as being confident. I feel like this is also the explanation for the gap I feel between the comedic, youthful, and responsible individual I am, and my desire to be "an adult".
This gap, I'm afraid to face it. I know I was confident in myself when I was in high school. I knew who I was and I was very comfortable in my skin. Somewhere in there, I lost my skin, and my self-perception hasn't caught up - so I'm unsure. There are other things I'm afraid of too.
I'm afraid to do stand up, not because I might fail, but because I might succeed. And then I would have to answer the question of "Why was I doing other things all my life?" Similarly I'm afraid to get involved at church, because I've come close to considering a life as a minister, and I don't know how to resolve that identity with who I see myself to be today. I'm afraid to go to Italy because I might find that special someone there and find myself making a choice between the USA and love.
All of this sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but this is what Will Read deals with as a non-trivial part of his life. I won't be told it is silly, I'm not ready to let go of my fears just yet.
The biggest thing I can point a finger at is my own confidence. As I've discussed before, I'm pretty shameless, but it isn't the same as being confident. I feel like this is also the explanation for the gap I feel between the comedic, youthful, and responsible individual I am, and my desire to be "an adult".
This gap, I'm afraid to face it. I know I was confident in myself when I was in high school. I knew who I was and I was very comfortable in my skin. Somewhere in there, I lost my skin, and my self-perception hasn't caught up - so I'm unsure. There are other things I'm afraid of too.
I'm afraid to do stand up, not because I might fail, but because I might succeed. And then I would have to answer the question of "Why was I doing other things all my life?" Similarly I'm afraid to get involved at church, because I've come close to considering a life as a minister, and I don't know how to resolve that identity with who I see myself to be today. I'm afraid to go to Italy because I might find that special someone there and find myself making a choice between the USA and love.
All of this sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but this is what Will Read deals with as a non-trivial part of his life. I won't be told it is silly, I'm not ready to let go of my fears just yet.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
When a Thing is Over
The worst part about when a thing is over, aside from the emotional havoc, is that I invariably had something that I was planning to give to her. And it is always something that's very specific to that girl, or that I wrote an inscription on - not the kind thing that you can just regift to someone else. Then I have the three choices: 1) Give/throw it away, 2) keep it, and always be reminded of how things didn't work out, or 3) give it to her after the fact anyway because that's where the gift belonged.
Right now I've got this book I picked up in NYC that has her name on the inside cover. I'm taking votes on what to do with it.
Right now I've got this book I picked up in NYC that has her name on the inside cover. I'm taking votes on what to do with it.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Half a Block
I rode my bike almost all the way home this time. I crapped out just a half block from the top of the mountain. I'm getting better, stronger, faster. I rock.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
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