My Fear

I am afraid of snakes, You can't tell me not to be afraid of them; it's in my bones. The same way that I am afraid that I won't be enough. This applies to all parts of life. Afraid I won't be enough as a boyfriend/husband. Afraid I won't be enough as a son. Afraid I won't be enough as a father. Afraid I won't be enough as a friend. And afraid I won't be enough as a technical lead for a company.

It can be a subtle difference between needing approval, and needing someone to tell you that you give them what they need. But that is what probably makes me better than most at the things I do try to be. I am constantly preparing, improving myself, so that when the time comes, they will look at me and say, "Will Read, you are indeed ready, you have shown yourself to be worthy of all the fortunes life has put upon you. Well done."

I know that I am built to do great things, I imagine that we all are, but for me in particular I have the good fortune of also being in a position to realize my potential. I've got great family that lets me be a great son. I've got great friends, and now a great girlfriend. I've also got a great job that exposes me to all kinds of challenges, skill, and opportunities.

I once saw courage defined as "... not an absence of fear, but a willingness to act in spite of the presence of fear." I have been called courageous before - it will not be the last time.

Listen Now Ya'll It's Sabotage

Self sabotage that is. I woke up this morning and realized that since I've left Indiana I've removed myself from every position of leadership/power that has been placed in front of me. I could have been what ever I wanted to be in fencing, but instead I sold my fencing gear. I could have stuck with glass blowing and become an instructor, but I bailed on that. I once had a group that was learning to fly kites for kite surfing, but I disbanded that group, same with Wine Wednesdays. These are things I made and as soon as they looked like they were going to take off I shut them down. I even stepped down form being an organizer for the Euchre Meetup. Now I can even feel myself pulling away from some of the improv I started. It's like I'm wired to abandon success.

It is ironic that I can embrace failure, but success I can't bear to hold on to.

I Want to Understand

Why do people take their work home with them? I get it that you're showing "ambition" and that "more" is getting done. But aren't you really just burning yourself out? I like working at Pivotal Labs because the people there don't take their work home, they take their skills home. My coworkers lead rich, fulfilling lives outside the 9-6 day. You can tell this is true when you meet their wives, or their children. These people have awesome family relationships. They also do a lot of other fun things, biking, hiking, improv comedy, side projects that people outside the company can use, dancing, political activism, and on and on.

Conversely, the people I've worked with in the past who do take their work home come in and talk about the reality TV show they caught last night. They don't bring their wives out to social events, and you get the impression things are a little rocky. Before too long, those people start looking drained of life.  This may work if you're a solo act at work, but what if you're a part of a team? Every day you have to sync up with the rest of the team. Stuff gets done that the rest of the team had no say in doing.

Despite the list of consequences I could make here, it really just comes down to "Why?". Why would you pick work over anything else - personal health, relationships, fun? There's a saying that no one on his death bed ever said, "If only I had worked more...". People wish they had spent more time with family and friends and living life. I just don't get it.

I Need

I need a push. I just came back from a presentation by SFSU on their Core Coaching curriculum, which aims to get one certified and ready to be a life coach. A life coach is a guy you go to when you want to get better at life. I would be good at this, but I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I'll lack the experience to back up my advice. I haven't had kids. I don't have a wife. How can I possibly relate to and advise people with these kinds of backgrounds in a way that inspires confidence? I'm terrified that an old man will say, "Well what do you know?!?!" and storm out of my office. Or worse, what if I have to suggest to someone that he does something that I myself am afraid to do? I'm looking at stepping way out of my comfort zone here.

I've been a fencing coach. I've trained to be a coach of sorts in software and have my Scrum Master certification to show for it. I've helped people build houses. This is something you could argue I was born to do. As early as 15 I can remember my church pegging me for a path to being a minister - I shied away then for the same reasons I hesitate now.

I need someone to tell me I can be successful as a coach. I also need to really hear it, really listen when you tell it to me.

The Wisdom of the GD

I wrote recently a post that got Matt Dickerson and I wondering what struggles brought us together as friends. True, we did share a dorm floor together freshman year, and arguably college is a struggle for anyone, but we didn't share many of the struggles. He was an engineer, I was in the school of science. I think a big part of it was that Matt always listened to me, and he engaged me when I had unanswerable questions like, "should I keep seeing this girl?" He asked me his own questions that made me pick apart my own value system and come to my own conclusions after better understanding myself.

So while I was trying to answer the question of what common struggle we shared, I realized that I've gleaned a lot of wisdom from Matt over the years.

1. Brush your teeth. Aside from the health benefits, it's a good way to make friends.


2. "If a woman throws herself at you, make sure you catch her." I assume this policy no longer is applicable directly to him since he's now married, but it certainly got me to open up my eyes and let myself get involved and have experiences I would have otherwise passed up.


3. There's nothing to worry about if you have a hot wife. Matt knows he's got a great spouse in all categories that he loves deeply. He knows she loves him, and their marriage is a promise of that love. So even though Matt knows other guys may want to steal away his wife, he doesn't worry about them, and can just focus on being a great husband to Lauren.


4. Run. Matt is a marathon runner, and I think a certain amount of his identity is wrapped up in running. The real Matt wisdom is probably something more along the lines of "Tie 'who you are' into a healthy activity".


5. Fiscal sensibility is a way of life. Matt loves doing taxes, to the point where I think he looks forward to the day where he also gets to do his kids' taxes. Beyond April, Matt loves understanding his spending habits and making trade-offs and adjustments so that he can afford the things he wants. I wouldn't say "Matt loves money", but he certainly loves making money work for him.

Such is the wisdom I've garnered form him over the years. I'm certain there is more that I've just absorbed, but he's one fo those people that helps me set the bar higher for Will Read.

Government: Freedom vs. Safety

I think about the Declaration of Independence, and the Bill of Rights. These documents spell out exactly what freedoms we, as citizens of the United States of America, are promised. They do not talk about a "right to public transit systems", nor do they mention a "right to affordable health care."So it makes me wonder what is government's role? All I really need from my government is the protection of the promise it made to me: freedom.

But the older I get, the more I feel like government has become a tool for keeping people safe. But safety and freedom are orthogonal goals. You can relate to what I mean if you have ever had a "corporate security policy" in place on your work computer. Your network admin does his best to keep you safe, but the cost is that you are not free to surf all of the web, you cannot download the important attachment from your vendor to move your project forward. For freedom is restricted, and you cannot make much forward progress.

There are services I need, don't get me wrong. Things like fire fighters, and ambulances, and roads so they can get there quickly and reliably that I don't need all the time, but I'm willing to pay a slice for alongside my fellow neighbors so that we all may enjoy the safety of those services when the need arises.

What bothers me is that the government (via the people) seem hell bent, not on protecting their freedom, but protecting a way of life. They want to preserve a thing that is showing itself to be inadequate, needing adjustment. They want regulations, and bail outs. People have become afraid of failure, afraid of death, afraid of the very frailty that makes us take chances.

If we lived forever, there would be mo need to take risks. We could simply wait until we arrived upon the correct way to do everything. But we don't have "all the time in the world", most of us have seventy years at best. So we have to guess, we have to take chances. We have to do things that put us and sometimes others at risk if we are going to move forward.

You see, we have to be free. Free to speak. Free to defend ourselves. Free to vote. And most of all, free to take a chance.

You Can't Find Me in the Crowd

I've been part of several conversations lately that tell me people are afraid that "big brother" knows or will soon know more than they're comfortable with. One conversation was about the Patriot Act, I also was recently sent this link about what ordering pizza could be like. It basically shows a pizza girl clicking through the customer's health info, recent travel purchases, etc.,  and it is all meant to scare you so that you "Take Action" at the end.

But why shouldn't a pizza joint help me make good health decisions by upping the price when I order a pie? I still have the choice, it just is less attractive now to do the thing I wanted to do. Is it really so bad that this information is at someone's fingertips? If you live in a small community you already know what it can be like with everyone knowing what everyone else is up to. This isn't new. More importantly, why are you living life in a way that you have something to hide?

You argue back, "I don't have anything to hide, but what if I'm overlooked for a job because I have a heart condition, or because I spend a lot of money on pink flamingos?" To that I submit that you've probably been overlooked for things that weren't true about you. Wouldn't you rather people made decisions about you based on the truth?

Sure, if one person lets it all hang out while the rest of us keep it all in, he's going to be pretty vulnerable. But if we all lay it on the line for public examination, the guy who hides and holds back sticks out and draws attention. The more you make visible, the easier it is for people to trust you.

The spread of information isn't anything new, we see it in society old an new. You're already being judged, so why not give someone more than just a cover to go off of? Lastly, airing out your dirty laundry builds trust, so you have nothing to lose and so much to gain. Share your life, share it freely with anyone who will listen.

A New Question

Bailey asked me Friday night, "Why is a great guy like you not already married?"

I didn't have a good answer for her then. The standard answers could be things like, "I'm not as good of a catch as you may think", "I'm very picky", or "I'm afraid of commitment", but I'm not sure those are the reasons. They're all at least partially true, I am just a guy, I do set the bar high, and I'm just as apprehensive as the next guy (or girl) about spending the rest of my life with someone.

I can blame fencing for some of it. Even in the longest, best relationship I've had, I consistently picked fencing over her, over us. I think that's what scares me the most about fencing - the addictive effect it had on me. Fencing was easy to pick because it was easy for me to feel needed, and it was easy for me to meet expectations. It seemed like I was living, when the reality was that I wasn't risking anything at all.

The more realistic picture would be that I've been married to fencing for the last eight years, and that I've only been divorced for a year - since I moved out to San Francisco. In that sense I'm kind of just getting back into things.

More than just loving fencing, I think the real issue is that I've been reluctant to risk... myself. No, that's not quite right, I put myself out on the internet for all to read and judge, and I risk life an limb doing things like fencing, kite boarding, and rock climbing. These are not safe activities.

I think I'm afraid of failing someone else. I fear becoming another person's most important person, and not living up to her expectations, falling short. I cna point to countless examples in my life ranging from preschool to present day where I have freaked out, broke down, or abandoned a situation because I didn't think I was good enough. I'm not afraid of failure in itself, but I am afraid of people not finding me to be what they need me to be - of that, I am scared shitless.

Thou Speakest Aright!

I was talking about my blog with Emily when she said that as of late, there's less of me in my writings, and I whole heartedly agree.  It's something I was consciously aware of, but had no root cause, so it remained just an observation. Maybe it was the way she phrased it, maybe it was the context of her being a fencer, but I think that there's less of me to write about.

I think there's less of me because there's no fencing. It's like there's only two contexts to my life now, work, and non-work. Both are pretty rich in my opinion, but they don't exercise all of Will Read either. When I fenced, there was also a coach part, and a business owner part, and a competitor part - none of which really exist presently.

In my head I kind of equate it to writing a story about five characters, and then suddenly there's only two left. Sure, they're the core characters, but they don't have foils to flesh out who they really are. They don't have anyone to interact with. It's not to say life gets dull, but interactions get much less complex. I think that because I don't have to juggle everything, life is less revealing about my own character.

Realization

I remember sometime in high school thinking about how I often found myself spanning multiple social circles, and uniting those circles. When theater types are hanging with the pot heads and the band geeks you feel like something... unique is happening.

This Tuesday I was asked to assist in leading a group in SF. The organizer said I "had the right kind of personality". And it got me thinking about groups I've led. Wine Bunch, Kite Flying, twelve kinds of fencing, props crew, the list goes on. When I was on ASP staff, a volunteer pointed out that I played the role of "moderator" well - that I wasn't really concerned with the outcome of a meeting, so long as the group was productive. When I think about Agile software development, I like the parts that make people more productive, that make people work together, communicate more to reach a common goal.

I've known that I can be a developer, but I've also known that I could be better at something else. I've always felt like I was intended to be instrumental in something much bigger than who I am. I think this is that thing.

Self Identity and Self Worth

I thought for sure I had once written a post about how, on dating sites, people identify themselves by their profession. Now I can't find that post. Anyway, the idea was that a person may say "I am a lawyer downtown." as their opening line, but if you take away the profession of lawyer from the universe, there is hopefully still a full person left behind. Who is this person? Does he enjoy debate? Does he seek the truth? Does he feel wronged by society? To me, this person knows what he does, but he does not understand who he is. Therefore, he cannot understand why he chooses to do the things he does.

Today, if you ask me who I am it would be more correct for me to say, "I am William Leleand Read", than it would for me to say anything else. I am a person who enjoys company at a meal, and seeks to learn new things, who strives for happiness in self and those around me... But I didn't always answer this way.

From 2000 to maybe 2006 or 2007 I was a fencer (or a ref, or a coach, or a club owner, but it was fencing related). My identity and fencing were so intertwind that when things went poorly in fencing, everything went poorly. When something threatened my ability to fence, my own concept of self was a risk, or so it seemed. If someone did a poor job of running a tournament, they instantly found themselves on my shit list. If someone quit fencing, it was incredibly hard for me to keep up a friendship with him or her because I no longer had anything in common with that person, or so I felt. If some family event conflicted with fencing, I internally questioned how they could expect me to make such a choice.

Conversely, when things were up in fencing, things were way up in Will-land. If I ran a tournament that brought in hundreds of fencers or thousands of dollars in club funds, or even just got compliments form the participants, I'd be on top of the world. Nothing could harm me if the latest beginner class had a high turn out. I'm sure at those times, Will Read the fencer was a lot of fun to be around.

I don't think I fully understood how much my identity and fencing were connected until I first withdrew from my fencing home and moved to Cincinnati. I made trips back to Lafayette to "check up on my clubs" almost every month. I felt lonely and out of place because the local club in Cinci didn't recognize me for the fencer I thought myself to be. Ultimately I moved back to Lafayette to fence full time, and it was then that I knew what I was without needing to change.

I wonder now if I could go back through my blog entires and see myself taking the steps to separate my identity from fencing. Somewhere along the lines I remember making a list of things I had been wanting to do ever since I got out of college. Things like "learn to dance" and "take a glass class" were on the list and when I asked myself why I hadn't done them, the answer always came back to one thing: fencing. I was at that point a fencer who wanted to be a William Leland Read.

In June of 2008, I left fencing. I don't know if I will ever be able to safely maintain an independent identiy and still hold a foil. That day may come eventually, but that day is not today. I write this because I worry about some of my fencers who appear to be heading down my path, a path I no doubt led them to. My hope is not that they quit fencing, but that they recognize where they are, and can use the advanced notice to strike a healthy balance in their own life that I could not.

The Goodness of People

I just watched All the Prsident's Men with Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, a 1976 movie about the journalism leading up to Nixon's resignation. Insights aside, I enjoyed the film - it was intense, but no car chases, no bullets, just deadlines. What it reminded me of was my one thing I have absolute faith in: people. A person, or a group may do bad things for a time, but people will find out, people will make it right, no matter the cost to the individuals.

It comes down to a concept of the greater good. Soldiers go to war and die for the greater good. Police officers fight crime for the greater good. People lose sight of the immediate to research cures for diseases or alternative sources of energy. I believe that there will always be people, enough people who want to do the right thing so badly that they overcome their fears. it is something I know in my bones.

So your first question should be "Why Will, do you believe in such a thing?" To that, I have no answer. I do not know why a person would sacrifice himself for a larger cause, I do not know who was the first person to start such a tradition, or why it perpetuates itself across melenia of history. The best I can offer is a guess, a guess that our purpose in life is to be happy, and that many of us understand that it isn't just oneself that is meant to be happy, but that we are all meant to be happy. That one person's discomfort is worth any two people's joy. That characteristic of understanding gives those people the extra strength that you do not see in everyone. Sometimes they appear weird, other times they are heroes. There will always be enough good in the world.

Today's Hard Question

I got a call from a recruiter who had my resume in her hand. In our conversation she said something to the effect of "I see you were at Purdue from 1999 to 2004... a little over five years... was it a five year program?"

I didn't say this, but no, it was a four year program. Yes, I did transfer after my first semester, but that doesn't explain the other three semesters it took me to finish. I failed classes. I failed one class twice and only got through the third time with a C. I went to a graduation ceremony when I didn't actually graduate because I failed that in my last semester but my grandmother was already coming to town to see me walk across the stage.

Yes, I was the president of one of the strongest fencing clubs in the Midwest, and the top club in the Rec Sports program at Purdue University. Yes, I also ran a fencing club on a college student's income which included renting out a building and buying fencing equipment. Yes, I had a job, and yes I did freelance work. Yes, I played a lot of Spider Man instead of studying for my finals sometimes. Yes, I once wrote my name at the top of a final, stared blankly at it for 20 minutes, and handed it in without any more markings of any kind. No, I didn't go on a co-op, or an internship, or anything else that would have delayed my graduation.

Yes, I wanted to quit after four and a half years, and not just because I missed the girl I loved. Life was calling me. I had employable skills, I was a likeable guy, I was ready to get the hell out of academia, because sitting in a class room wasn't half as appealing as putting my hands in it and really understanding that which a professor could only explain via slide show.

Knowing what I know now, I might not have picked college again. I must confess, that all of the things outside of the class rooms at college are the things that I would pick again. If I hadn't gone to college, I wouldn't have fenced, I wouldn't have led a club of 100+ members. I wouldn't have started a business. I wouldn't have had all of those [high paying] student jobs as a web developer. I wouldn't have met Matt Dickerson or many of the other people who have gotten me through the last ten years. I wouldn't have dated as much, and I wouldn't know anywhere near as much about myself, who I am, what I like, as I do now.

And yet, five years later, I still get antsy when a stranger asks me why I took so long to graduate. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't doing drugs. I was living. I am glad that I did graduate, because trying to talk my way through an unfinished degree would be the most excruciating process I can contrive. Be cool. Stay in school.

Every Clock...

...has something that makes it tick. For me, I need to be needed. This simple statement is the very core of who I am, it is what drives my decisions, my beliefs, everything. I made the discovery while trying to convince Michelle that life was not about being independent, that it was about the relationships, about having healthy dependencies on other people because a group is stronger than the sum of its parts. She was adamant that independence was key, at which point I realized, not that I was wrong (or right), but that I was different from her in this way. Quick examination made me realize that I'm different from most people in this way.

I remember a conversation with the GD my freshman year about codependence. I thought then, and still think now that I am not codependent. I can survive on my own, but I function an order of magnitude better when I'm in a situation where I feel needed. I found another diagnosis HPD that seemed more inline with me but still off. On one hand, it mentioned needing validation, which I do seek out whether I like to admit it or not, extrovertedness (me in a nutshell), but it also pointed to a character lacking resolution - someone who changed who he or she was just to please others - and a poor sense of reality. That's not me at all. I'm stubborn, people are turned off by who I am sometimes, and it doesn't bother me in the least and I'm pretty sure me and reality are on the same page.

 But that simple phrase, "needing to be needed", explains so much. I can point to my love affair with fencing that way. I was needed to be president, I was needed to open a new club, I was needed to be a coach. And when I had taught others to coach, I was no longer needed. It explains why my friendships are so intense, and why historically they've had a limited shelf life. It explains my level of job satisfaction at both present and past places of employment. In the context of volunteering I often say "I may seem like a helpful guy, but really I just like making others happy because it makes me happy".  Everything makes sense in this context.

I know have perhaps the most valuable piece of information. My gut reaction was to "fix" it, to become less dependant on others. But I thought about how adamantly I stood by my statement that life is meant to be shared, that others are important when measuring the success of one's self, and I realized this is not something that would be easily changed.  I also looked back at the experiences I've had when my need was being met - I have done amazing things, been an amazing person, a person I'm proud to say I know I have in me. So I think I should keep it, and find a productive way to feel needed at work, in my friendships, and in my romantic life, and be the best person I've ever seen me be. Next step: Inventory of what I have to offer that someone else might need.

To Have Lifed a Full Life

I was talking to Josh this weekend and I realized one of my biggest governing values is that when I die, be it 70 years or 70 days from now (don't worry, I don't plan on dying soon), I want people to say "He lived a full life." I don't want them to think I was sitting on my duff, missing out on opportunities, not contributing, not being the person I wanted to be. I don't want them to think I was miserable. I want them to know I am happy, enjoying life, that I felt and experienced everything I could within reason.

When I make decisions, big decisions, this is the principle I usually pull on the most, especially when there's risk involved. When I started RCF, I thought"Would I want them to say, 'He had a good financial history.' or would I want them to say 'He ran a fencing club, owned a business, taught people how to fence.'?" The choice for me at that point became very easy. I pull on this principle again now that I'm leaving fencing. There are people who can do what I've been doing, and they can do it better, so it's time for me to continue living a full life in a new way.