Sloth Sex

So lately I've been making jokes about sloths having sex. It's initially funny because you can't imagine anything that slow moving fast enough to knock jungle boots. But since I've never actually seen it, I decided to see what the interwebs had to offer.

First: It's only slightly faster than you might imagine. And they do it in the trees. The videos I saw however, did not have them doing it hanging upside down, which would have made my day.

Second: I learned some other crazy stuff:

• "Two-towed" sloths actually have three toes (on his "feet"), but two "fingers" (on his hands). There's some story about the translation from Spanish to English. I blame the turkey and his "gobbly" gook.


• Sloths have a super slow metabolism. They leave the trees about once per week to take a dump and stream some data.


• Since grooming would mean moving, sloths grow moss and algae in their hollow fur. Which hosts insects that also lay eggs in the sloth poop. I don't think the sloth eats the bugs, but if he was smart he would. Instead he has a diet of leaves, less hard to chase down I suppose.


• Lastly, the mating call of the female. It sounds like a woman shrieking. Which, despite my inferior climbing ability and the need to defecate frequently, makes me all the happier to be human... "Oh honey, how about we put the kids to bed early tonight?", he says. Then she says, "IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!". Not good sir, not good at all.