I want to go to work

When I say I'm going to work on the weekends, people look at me as if a puppy died. When I say I want to go to work, because I have an obligation to finish what I committed to, the expression changes from sympathy to skepticism.

You may think I'm crazy, and it's true, I like my free time as much as the next guy, but I think what's important to this story is my sense of duty. If I don't do the things I say I'll do, if I don't be the person I say I am, then I'm nobody.

Invention

When I was in elementary school, there was a contest, Invent America! (yes, with the stupid exclamation mark just like Yahoo!, only Yahoo! wasn't around then). It was a sweet contest. The challenge: Solve a problem with an invention. My first year I came up with a table that you load up with all the plates and silverware. It was an "[Alr]eady Set Table", no need to get the dishes from various places throughout the kitchen. The task of setting the table was eliminated. It was brilliant. And the cool part is you have to make it. So I got some wood working bonding time in with my dad.

I think that was 3rd grade. Between 4th and 5th grade I made a floating chess set with magnetic pieces (a product I later saw in a Sky Mall magazine), a trash can that attached to your belt so you could throw stuff away at any moment, a zip line for garbage bags to take your trash to the curb... I was brilliant.

I've been thinking I want that for the kids here, but maybe on an older scale. Imagine the same contest, but for high schoolers. And throughout the contest have people in from the patent office, or bring in a venture capitalist, or an angel, a lawyer to talk about legal ramifications/insurance, and maybe a marketing guy. Maybe hook them up with college kids who can draw their stuff up in CAD and crank it out in a CNC machine, or crank out a program that makes a sweet web site.

Maybe make it a summer program... at the library? Hmmm.

Self: Too Low Maintenance?

I was listening to the [not so great] DJ's of Sunny 107.7 FM and they were reading Cosmo's tips for the month. One of the tips was "Don't be too low maintenance." The follow up went a totally different [and vapid] direction, but it got me thinking.

I thought the point they were going to make was that people need to feel needed in a relationship. I think in a relationship I've learned to do many things well, but one thing I do not do well is let others know I need them. I know I want to feel needed, appreciated, but I don't do it well myself. I want to correct this without going overboard and becoming a needy wet nap of a person.

The Little Things

I told her I don't like talking on the phone, so Melanie sends me text messages. It's the little things that can make a big difference.

Concentration

From good ol' Wikipedia: Centration is the tendency to focus on one aspect of a situation and neglect others. A term introduced by the Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget (1896–1980) to refer to the tendency of young children to focus attention on only one salient aspect of an object, situation, or problem at a time, to the exclusion of other potentially relevant aspects.

But then there's concentration, when broken into a prefix, con-, and a root of -centration, should be the opposite - the tendency to take in to account all aspects of a situation and neglect none. Dictionary.com says to concentrate means, "To direct one's thoughts or attention".

So comparing centration to concentration, I'd say centration is kind of like having tunnel vision. The advantage is that you can analyze the hell out of one aspect, but the detriment is that that one aspect may be so far removed from the context that your findings may not be directly applicable.

Dreaming of Nuts

I watched way too much of the first season of Heroes last night because my brain kept trying to resolve the unfinished story.

But the best part of sleeping last night was the dream at the end. I dreamt that I had a squirrel who was rock climbing in my shower. I noted to whoever else was in the room that he had very good toe holding skills and great balance. Why am I dreaming about personified squirrels you ask? For that answer, go watch Enchanted, now in theaters everywhere.

Key

There's a key on my key chain. I was looking at them yesterday. I don't know what it is for. The only thing I can think is that it is for my parents' house. It's weirding me out.

CEO

In my head, the CEOs of major corporations are magical super-humans. People that can some how manage billions of dollars and millions of employees. And while this is true in an abstract sense, those CEOs are not directly managing every dollar, and every employee.

I forget that CEOs are humans just like me. They may be older, with more life experiences under their belt, but at the end of the day, they're just as capable of making a mistake as I am. What they have going for them is the process. Mr. CEO says, "We're doing this thing X this year." But he then leaves it to the finance gurus to figure out the money part, and to the implementation specialists to figure out the human and physical resources they'll have to allocate, and then that stuff goes through the next step of the VPs maybe, then on to the managers, and on down eventually to the grunts on the floor.

What gives the CEO his super power is the thirty bajillion checks along the way, and allowing the people who make those checks to have enough power to also make the correction needed. This is how stuff happens, how things get done. The distribution of power seems key to the success of any large organization.

Husband Material

For a while now I've said and been told I'm good husband material. But there's a difference between being berries that are perfect for a jam, and being the jam. I mean that I haven't undergone the squashing process to follow the jam analogy. I may be sweet, have good color, and moisture, but if I never take the time to become a jam, then I'm still just a berry, and some day I'll rot and then I'll not be good for much.

What I've been thinking about is that I haven't taken the time ever to be a great boyfriend. Whenever I've been dating I've also been busy making the time to be a great proponent of fencing (fencer, coach, ref, etc.). I think I made fairly good choices in the past, fencing was helping me to grow. But now I'm not so sure it has the same effect on me. I'm also no longer certain that I'm helping fencing grow.

I look at this last year. I became the secretary of the Indiana division and since then we've had some of the smallest turn outs, it seems like people are traveling and competing less than ever before. I look at Purdue Fencing Club, and they do a good job of making decisions without me. RCF I know I'm holding back because I've got two unanswered emails in my inbox from people wanting to fence, and there's a voice mail on the club's phone from the newspaper that I haven't followed up on.

Work and other things keep me from giving my fencers the attention they need and deserve. Not one of my fencers has really felt like he has improved since I stopped being full time. I get frustrated when the new fencers don't listen to me. I get grouchy when the old fencers don't do as well as they could. I'm a detriment to the sport.

Dumb broken thing

So I've got a really great podcast, but something is complaining about it, and I can't upload it. Grrr. it's like I need to open it, edit it, and resave it. But I don't have any audio editing software.

Someone Else

I read more of Blue Like Jazz tonight. To the author, one of the driving forces is the desire to be someone else, someone different. He claims that everyone feels this way, and that if there were someone who did not feel this way, that he would stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm not necessarily content with who I am, but I do not want to be someone different. I've had friends tell me they've "changed" over the years, or that I've "changed". I always retort with, "I haven't changed, so much as grown, or progressed." I'm not the same person I was, but I'm not so different that you wouldn't recognize me if you stood me next to my former self. I've always known myself to be different from other people, and I've always felt that this was one aspect that the difference manifested itself.

The author's point is that this desire to be new, to be baptized, is what draws us to God. We make a choice at some point, to live a life controlled by sin, or to leave that life behind and follow God. Maybe I made that choice long before I could understand what it meant.

So Now I'm Wondering

What would it be like if I did without the things I do not need? I certainly don't need a several hundred square foot apartment. I don't need a computer at home. I don't need a microwave. The list is quite long, things I have that I don't need to do the other things in my life.

What if I lived in a shoebox of a place, rode the bus to work, and owned only a week's worth of work clothes and one pair of shoes? Or what if I took it a step further, and shared everything? What if I lived in a small place with six people, and we shared our clothes, and everything else? Owning nothing, yet having everything I need to do the things like work. I might be able to make the adjustment of not having a giant bed, but could I give up my privacy? Could I give up the flexibility of having my own stuff?

And then it begs the question, "What would be gained?" Indeed. Perhaps some resource reallocation, more of my income could go further. But on a personal level, it seems like I would have to strengthen my relationships with other people whether I wanted to or not. Sharing life with others has always been important to me. I wonder...

Religion: I am the Problem

I finally started reading. I've been slacking on the reading in general, so I decided to return my Christopher Moore book and tackle this one.

The author makes a convincing argument that humans are flawed, it's in our nature to do evil. He points out that we all drive differently when we're being followed by a squad car. I'm convinced, I'm evil. He goes on to point out that while the world is filled with this flaw of human nature, the best plan of attack, is to look at one's self.

I am the problem.

This is something I feel like I've known for as long as I can remember. If I want to change the world I have to start with myself. If I want people around me to be happier, I have to be happy. If I want people around me to care more, I have to care. Lead by example. I can't ask someone else to do something that I've shown myself unwilling to do. What this means though, is something quite great:

I am also the solution.

Second Podcast

I still say they're not great, but http://tildewill.mypodcast.com/

I'm Starting a Podcast

Sam told me he'd go to practice at IU if he could listen to me. I told him I'd do a podcast that he could put on his iPod. I'm going to try to make them at least fifteen minutes in length, and entertaining in parts. My hope is that this will have the side benifit of improving my speaking skills. When you listen you'll hear a lot of "umm"s in there. The fun part for me is that I can use my bluetooth headset, so I can podcast while cooking, playing my Wii, or "dropping the kids off at the pool" as was the case for my first episode. I also should mention that I found the battle royale to be quite entertaining upon review.

I'm Starting a Podcast

Sam told me he'd go to practice at IU if he could listen to me. I told him I'd do a podcast that he could put on his iPod. I'm going to try to make them at least fifteen minutes in length, and entertaining in parts. My hope is that this will have the side benefit of improving my speaking skills. When you listen you'll hear a lot of "umm"s in there. The fun part for me is that I can use my bluetooth headset, so I can podcast while cooking, playing my Wii, or "dropping the kids off at the pool" as was the case for my first episode. I also should mention that I found the battle royal to be quite entertaining upon review.

There Were Times

There were times when I was just starting RCF. Times when I would stand in an open area, breath in the air, and somehow know that something was happening to fencing, something good. Times when I had poured my savings into some warehouse on the back side of a skating rink, and I was buying ramen to stay fed. I could feel it happening all around me. When I told people about it, they seemed confused, like I was speaking in gibberish.

Sloth Sex

So lately I've been making jokes about sloths having sex. It's initially funny because you can't imagine anything that slow moving fast enough to knock jungle boots. But since I've never actually seen it, I decided to see what the interwebs had to offer.

First: It's only slightly faster than you might imagine. And they do it in the trees. The videos I saw however, did not have them doing it hanging upside down, which would have made my day.

Second: I learned some other crazy stuff:

• "Two-towed" sloths actually have three toes (on his "feet"), but two "fingers" (on his hands). There's some story about the translation from Spanish to English. I blame the turkey and his "gobbly" gook.


• Sloths have a super slow metabolism. They leave the trees about once per week to take a dump and stream some data.


• Since grooming would mean moving, sloths grow moss and algae in their hollow fur. Which hosts insects that also lay eggs in the sloth poop. I don't think the sloth eats the bugs, but if he was smart he would. Instead he has a diet of leaves, less hard to chase down I suppose.


• Lastly, the mating call of the female. It sounds like a woman shrieking. Which, despite my inferior climbing ability and the need to defecate frequently, makes me all the happier to be human... "Oh honey, how about we put the kids to bed early tonight?", he says. Then she says, "IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!". Not good sir, not good at all.

Religion

I'm about to start reading a book that was loaned to me, Blue Like Jazz. I don't know what it's about beyond it being an atheist's point of view on Christianity. The man who loaned it to me is a retired pastor, and the father of the fencing club's former advisor. So before I read it, I want to get my own beliefs down on paper and then write some reflections along the way and see how my own faith changes or grows. The last sermon I went to, the pastor spoke about how faith is like a coat, that there is your coat, that fits you well, and suits your life. There are other coats, that are not yours, or do not suit your life at this time. So here's my coat:

1. Talking about my faith is not "embarrassing", but "awkward" is probably a good word for it. So many people my age seem to steer away from the church that it's just hard to bring up in conversation. When I do bring it up outside of a church setting, I fear that people will judge me to be a super religious zealot who will try to convert them if they let their guard down. I think the problem is that when I bring it up in a church setting, I feel like I'm talking to religious zealots who will convert me if I let my guard down. I think that's why I like going to a church where I knew someone outside of the church before I saw them in church.


2. I currently believe that I've been able to hear "God" all my life, and just never knew it. The voice of God, to me, is what I also call my conscience. That not so little voice that tells me the morally right thing to do, the one I listen to some times, and ignore other times. It tells me to love others, to be forgiving, to do my best, to stand up for the weak and less fortunate. That sounds like God to me. Maybe not everyone has a conscience like mine, I always assumed they did until not too long ago.


3. Church is not the ideal way for me to worship. I'm a doer. I like to swing a hammer to fix a home. I like to make posters. I like to work with groups and be a teacher, an example. I do not feel like my faith is well developed enough to be a leader, I'm not sure I'll ever feel that way, but I know I want to feel that way.


4. I get hung up when it comes to interpreting the Bible. I read a passage and I see a God who like to make life needlessly challenging, filled with despair, and littered with trials. Others read the same passage and see growth, hope, and success. I'm usually told I'm an optimistic person, but not so much when it comes to the Bible it seems. I want to be able to see those words in a more positive light.

So that's where I'll start. We'll see where I finish.

Not Sure What to Write About

Not that my life has been boring or bland at all lately. In fact, it's been just about what I've hoped for. I apparently spent over 8 hours in the car last week, between work, fencing, errands, fencing, and Indy, which was enough to listen to the unabridged version of You Suck by Christopher Moore. I look forward to his writings almost as ravenously as some do for Harry Potter.

I need to catch up on some emails, and call my parents, maybe that'll happen tomorrow. Speaking of which, Happy Halloween everyone! I hope it's the best.

[In Spite of] My Best Intentions

When I entered college, I was a young man of 18 years. I knew that I was different from other people. I smiled a lot, laughed a lot, and always saw the positive, the good in things. I knew that losing those traits would mean that I would have "grown up", or more specifically, gotten old, and bitter.

I recently realized I am indeed old, and bitter. I do not laugh as much. I have a low tolerance for antics. I get road rage instead of responding to a tailgater with a smile and a wave. I see problems, and I find solutions, but I don't always see the good in the situation that exists. I'm a skeptic more than I'm comfortable with.

What I really want to know is when did this happen, what caused it? Was  it too many years in college? Was it taking on too much responsibility? Was it being in a more parental role via coaching? Was it being part of the work force? Was it dating that made me jaded? Was it just time? Have I had poor role models for this sort of thing recently? I cannot say, and perhaps it was some combination of these things. I do know I'm different, and I now have an opportunity to change if I want to. If I want to...

Dickerson Once Said

"If a woman throws herself at you, make sure you catch her."

I could probably still be convinced that this statement holds a great deal of merit. However, I think I would add on to the end, "And if the fish is too small, it's ok to throw it back." Meaning, that if a woman is interested in you, go ahead and explore the potential, but if she's not long-lasting material, then it is also acceptable to move on.

That One Person

I think after a conversation with Tiago and Josh tonight over some really good pizza, I better understand a part of who I am. Our conversation was all over the place, but one of the things that Tiago mentioned was how women seemed to have crushes on other women. What Josh and I extrapolated was not that women are romantically attracted to one another, but he meant that a woman tends to form a strong bond with a another woman in her life, just one at a time.

My knee-jerk reaction was "that's odd", but then I realized I'm not any different. In grade school, I had a friend, John. John was certainly my best friend, and arguably my only friend. One summer afternoon after fifth grade, we had a fight. It was just like a break up when I look back on it. I found a replacement, Pat. I did everything with Pat, even nothing. When Pat started dating, I got jealous, my companion's time was divided all of a sudden.

When I went to college, alone, I again found myself needing a person, that one person. Matt filled those shoes for a while. Ultimately, I ended up growing a pair and dating someone. In that person I put all of my trust, my secrets, my life.

It's probably that same need that made me jump from girlfriend to girlfriend for a while. There was a string, without much down time in between, and some might argue that I was rebounding. Really, I think I've just been afraid to be alone, to not have that person.

In finances, they tell you "not to put all of your eggs in one basket." But I feel like the best connections I've shared with people have been when I loaded up that one basket with all the eggs I could find. In the interim between girlfriends, I've been able to find some success in putting some of my eggs in a few baskets, but I really just want one, one basket, one person.

What Will Your Fencing Be?

You are all fencers. From this sport you gain some form of enjoyment, some reward. So that you can have that, other people have stepped forward, they took some initiative. Why? The people who have made it possible for you to fence, they are some of the greatest people you can know, but they've made sacrifices so that all of you can enjoy the sport.

You are the new leaders. You are the people who will be caring for your sport five years from now, ten years from now and beyond. Will the sport grow? Will you be able to fence where you move? Will you continue to have challenges? Will you share this sport with others? Will you? You get to decide.

You get to decide if fencing is offered in your school. You get to decide if your hometown will host a well run event, or if those events will fall apart when it relies only on one person. You get to decide if new innovations will come to the equipment we use. You get to decide if the US, your state, your city, your street gets to show the world how much you love your sport.

It Doesn't Make Sense

I'm pretty sure I'm out of my skull. I worked today, I taught some fencing, then I went back to work. And the kicker? It was for something someone else needed. Not me. In fact, working on this thing resulted in me not doing the thing I should be doing, which means I'll probably have to work late for that too. And for some sick reason, that doesn't bother me.

Love The Next Person That Walks By

If I asked you to love the next person that walked by, you'd say I'm crazy. Of course if you're me you might wonder if the next person was someone great. But even so, what if you did love that person with all of your heart, just like I asked you to do (well "told" you to do, but "asked" seems nicer now that we're a few sentences into it), and they didn't love you back. Or what if they flat out rejected your love? What then?

You'd probably kick my ass. That's what.

Love is tough, and when a person goes through the effort to love someone, he/she does so in hopes that it will at least be appreciated, if not reciprocated. What you need is for me to tell you to love the next person who walks by, and to have told the next person walking by to love you. if you knew that, you'd be on board all the way I bet. Let that steep in your brain for a while.