Religion

I'm about to start reading a book that was loaned to me, Blue Like Jazz. I don't know what it's about beyond it being an atheist's point of view on Christianity. The man who loaned it to me is a retired pastor, and the father of the fencing club's former advisor. So before I read it, I want to get my own beliefs down on paper and then write some reflections along the way and see how my own faith changes or grows. The last sermon I went to, the pastor spoke about how faith is like a coat, that there is your coat, that fits you well, and suits your life. There are other coats, that are not yours, or do not suit your life at this time. So here's my coat:

1. Talking about my faith is not "embarrassing", but "awkward" is probably a good word for it. So many people my age seem to steer away from the church that it's just hard to bring up in conversation. When I do bring it up outside of a church setting, I fear that people will judge me to be a super religious zealot who will try to convert them if they let their guard down. I think the problem is that when I bring it up in a church setting, I feel like I'm talking to religious zealots who will convert me if I let my guard down. I think that's why I like going to a church where I knew someone outside of the church before I saw them in church.


2. I currently believe that I've been able to hear "God" all my life, and just never knew it. The voice of God, to me, is what I also call my conscience. That not so little voice that tells me the morally right thing to do, the one I listen to some times, and ignore other times. It tells me to love others, to be forgiving, to do my best, to stand up for the weak and less fortunate. That sounds like God to me. Maybe not everyone has a conscience like mine, I always assumed they did until not too long ago.


3. Church is not the ideal way for me to worship. I'm a doer. I like to swing a hammer to fix a home. I like to make posters. I like to work with groups and be a teacher, an example. I do not feel like my faith is well developed enough to be a leader, I'm not sure I'll ever feel that way, but I know I want to feel that way.


4. I get hung up when it comes to interpreting the Bible. I read a passage and I see a God who like to make life needlessly challenging, filled with despair, and littered with trials. Others read the same passage and see growth, hope, and success. I'm usually told I'm an optimistic person, but not so much when it comes to the Bible it seems. I want to be able to see those words in a more positive light.

So that's where I'll start. We'll see where I finish.

Not Sure What to Write About

Not that my life has been boring or bland at all lately. In fact, it's been just about what I've hoped for. I apparently spent over 8 hours in the car last week, between work, fencing, errands, fencing, and Indy, which was enough to listen to the unabridged version of You Suck by Christopher Moore. I look forward to his writings almost as ravenously as some do for Harry Potter.

I need to catch up on some emails, and call my parents, maybe that'll happen tomorrow. Speaking of which, Happy Halloween everyone! I hope it's the best.

[In Spite of] My Best Intentions

When I entered college, I was a young man of 18 years. I knew that I was different from other people. I smiled a lot, laughed a lot, and always saw the positive, the good in things. I knew that losing those traits would mean that I would have "grown up", or more specifically, gotten old, and bitter.

I recently realized I am indeed old, and bitter. I do not laugh as much. I have a low tolerance for antics. I get road rage instead of responding to a tailgater with a smile and a wave. I see problems, and I find solutions, but I don't always see the good in the situation that exists. I'm a skeptic more than I'm comfortable with.

What I really want to know is when did this happen, what caused it? Was  it too many years in college? Was it taking on too much responsibility? Was it being in a more parental role via coaching? Was it being part of the work force? Was it dating that made me jaded? Was it just time? Have I had poor role models for this sort of thing recently? I cannot say, and perhaps it was some combination of these things. I do know I'm different, and I now have an opportunity to change if I want to. If I want to...

Dickerson Once Said

"If a woman throws herself at you, make sure you catch her."

I could probably still be convinced that this statement holds a great deal of merit. However, I think I would add on to the end, "And if the fish is too small, it's ok to throw it back." Meaning, that if a woman is interested in you, go ahead and explore the potential, but if she's not long-lasting material, then it is also acceptable to move on.

That One Person

I think after a conversation with Tiago and Josh tonight over some really good pizza, I better understand a part of who I am. Our conversation was all over the place, but one of the things that Tiago mentioned was how women seemed to have crushes on other women. What Josh and I extrapolated was not that women are romantically attracted to one another, but he meant that a woman tends to form a strong bond with a another woman in her life, just one at a time.

My knee-jerk reaction was "that's odd", but then I realized I'm not any different. In grade school, I had a friend, John. John was certainly my best friend, and arguably my only friend. One summer afternoon after fifth grade, we had a fight. It was just like a break up when I look back on it. I found a replacement, Pat. I did everything with Pat, even nothing. When Pat started dating, I got jealous, my companion's time was divided all of a sudden.

When I went to college, alone, I again found myself needing a person, that one person. Matt filled those shoes for a while. Ultimately, I ended up growing a pair and dating someone. In that person I put all of my trust, my secrets, my life.

It's probably that same need that made me jump from girlfriend to girlfriend for a while. There was a string, without much down time in between, and some might argue that I was rebounding. Really, I think I've just been afraid to be alone, to not have that person.

In finances, they tell you "not to put all of your eggs in one basket." But I feel like the best connections I've shared with people have been when I loaded up that one basket with all the eggs I could find. In the interim between girlfriends, I've been able to find some success in putting some of my eggs in a few baskets, but I really just want one, one basket, one person.

What Will Your Fencing Be?

You are all fencers. From this sport you gain some form of enjoyment, some reward. So that you can have that, other people have stepped forward, they took some initiative. Why? The people who have made it possible for you to fence, they are some of the greatest people you can know, but they've made sacrifices so that all of you can enjoy the sport.

You are the new leaders. You are the people who will be caring for your sport five years from now, ten years from now and beyond. Will the sport grow? Will you be able to fence where you move? Will you continue to have challenges? Will you share this sport with others? Will you? You get to decide.

You get to decide if fencing is offered in your school. You get to decide if your hometown will host a well run event, or if those events will fall apart when it relies only on one person. You get to decide if new innovations will come to the equipment we use. You get to decide if the US, your state, your city, your street gets to show the world how much you love your sport.

It Doesn't Make Sense

I'm pretty sure I'm out of my skull. I worked today, I taught some fencing, then I went back to work. And the kicker? It was for something someone else needed. Not me. In fact, working on this thing resulted in me not doing the thing I should be doing, which means I'll probably have to work late for that too. And for some sick reason, that doesn't bother me.

Love The Next Person That Walks By

If I asked you to love the next person that walked by, you'd say I'm crazy. Of course if you're me you might wonder if the next person was someone great. But even so, what if you did love that person with all of your heart, just like I asked you to do (well "told" you to do, but "asked" seems nicer now that we're a few sentences into it), and they didn't love you back. Or what if they flat out rejected your love? What then?

You'd probably kick my ass. That's what.

Love is tough, and when a person goes through the effort to love someone, he/she does so in hopes that it will at least be appreciated, if not reciprocated. What you need is for me to tell you to love the next person who walks by, and to have told the next person walking by to love you. if you knew that, you'd be on board all the way I bet. Let that steep in your brain for a while.